sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down

cause we lost it all. nothing lasts forever i'm sorry i can't be perfect

i'll draw you a picture, i'll draw it with a twist, i'll draw it with a razor blade i'll draw it on my wrist. and if i draw it correctly a red fountain will appear, to wash away my sorrows, and chase away my fears

i hate you.
these games.
your defense mechanisms.

my teary bed
i can never sleep in this puddle.

why am i so desperate for you?

i hate you with all my love

minutes turn to hours without you by my side. In distance you felt closer to me, your new proximity shows be you've brought a cold shoulder along with you. i shrug andhope you'll get over this

Erase all the memories They will only bring us pain.

IT

that's all that i was to him, as i am led to believe. i'm so much more than that - he wants me to feel shame. i feel disposable, but inspired. He places me so far out of context. he lies to himself about who i am, what i'm about - to inspire hatred - a facade protecting him from pain. Emerging intraverted in progress - i left you as a last resort - i was waiting for you to be a better man. it wasn't happening by my side. you need to stad by your moral decision to never date the same person twice. i fucking love you. its not fair to anyone. i'm not one to wear something just because the shoe fits - but you weave stories in your mind to make me look the way you want. 3 months - youwre the last one inside me... it means nothing. my faith - blind.

The Cycle

To be a poet,
One must FEEL.
I've been Numb
for three Months,
Needless to say,
my writing has
been put on hold.

Once again the struggle.
But, I know that it's worth it.
As soon as I realise
pushing water through
the same cotton is
not only going to yield
more diluded results each time,
but become habit all the more.

I need to give that up
for good.
mine is a life worth living.

For mine, is a LOVE
who is WORTH loving.

in distance, and proximity alike.

I yearn for my love,
and for the strength
to journey back to that place,
no matter how high the road,
back where life was worth livin.
where i woke up in the morning
with the will to discover something new
and great about life, that inquisitiveness.
where i woke up in the morining and
wondered what i would create today,
what i would write, draw, anything.
who i would meet, who i would inspire.

i want it back.
i want it bad enough,
and for those things,
i will s t r u g g l e
that's right.

in due time,

i will find myself, again.

tongue tyed through
phone wires
split by broken
umbilical threads

i wrap your words
around me
like a blanket

this is how we connect
you whispered my name, Lover.

i dream of a place
where i felt our
essences
mingling somewhere
deep within me

i rethink my choice
sobbing

one stich in time equals nine

So forever may we wave goodbye
And you're always telling
That it's my turn to move
When I wonder what could make the needle jump the groove
I wont fall for the oldest trick in the book
So don't sit there and think
You're off of the hook
By saying there is no use changing
Cause that's just what you are
Acting steady

Did I offend your ears By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try It would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy Its not like you would lose Some critical piece If somehow you
moved point A
to point B
Maintaining
there is no point changing

Now I could talk to you till I'm blue in the face
But we'd still run around the very same place
With you running around
Put me out of the race
So maybe you're right
Nobody can take Something older then time
And hope you could make it better
That would be a mistake
So take it just so far
Cause that's just what you are
That's just what you are That's
just what you are
when you forever
sleepwalk with
eyes shut wide

Your touch still lingers fresh in my mind

puckered and pulling you up to that
perfect place where you
overflow inside my beauty
and i explode with the
fluidity of your kiss.

The way that it can
solidify a moment
into a timeless flow that
both flies and stands breathlessly
still

As i await...
where you will bring me next.
my lover, you take me to great heights.
The sweat on your brow
paints the map
toward that brief serenity
of spent passions
sensitive
to your
intuitive
touch.

Painfully Pretty

long isles

fluorescent lights

ac





i imagine

in the mirror

gazing at myself

over green leafy produce



what may it be like to

be a vegetable

so

simple



a head of lettuce

comfortable in it's fate or not?


doomed to become some of my half eaten salad, soggy, coated in oil ad herbs, and slid into the trash.

The Days go by slow
but i am reminding myself
daily - hourly
that i must maintain this huge stockpile of
P A T I E N C E
that i can't get
O V E R W H E A L M E D
by the stresses and unhappiness that
i've brought upon myself...
that i've got to

keep busy
work hard
be creative
confide in friends
pinch pennies

and E V E N T U A L L Y
i'll end up somewhere that i've been hoping for all along

my lovers arms would be enough right now.

hedonism.
i need to forget about
what i want right now
and decide what i want in t he future

since every choice i make now
directly effects my future and the time that it will take to get to where i want.

Still

Still the triggers

hope they pass
at least pass sooner

than the crumbles of my dreams that i'm piecing togther
its getting messy

superglue on my palms

sticky situation
gotten into

delete those numbers mandy
forget those people

why hold on

My Lover. My One and Only. His Day.

complications lead me to fear the influence we have on each other

so much pain and hurt
spent some nice quiet sober time with my love
on his 25th birthday.

it wasn't enough.
of course fresh out of rehab, afraid to cash my check
i showed empty handed

didnt even make love.
how i miss making love.
our bodies were meant to be intermingled.

the rhythm the sounds the overall feeling bliss serenity

a few moments spent in solitude, memorable, yes.




one kiss from you - and time stands still - we might have made love - on a different plane - where this physical world cannot touch our love and happiness with one another - where your words wrap around me like a blanket - lying on clouds of dust in brief serenity - i feel our essences mingling deep within me - this is how we connect, while you whisper my name LOVER.

Freedom

You never realise
the greatness of the
things that you have until theyre taken away
for a period of time

just sleeping on my own pillow
and using my own shower was a blessing today

feeling determined
feeling free

free from any invisible shackles
especially ones pinned on myself

i dont want to go back there.

Thanks Spectrum.

Pathetic

Pathetic pools
of tears
feeling sorry
for my own loss
brought upon myself

nothing worth the effort
notihing worth the time

listless

apathetic

The Reason

I know the reason that i'm alone right know. the reason that my touch cannot grace the skin of the one that brings me happiness. why i am apart fromhe who makes me whole, complete.

it's not worth it
the pain
the suffering
the losses

and all for what?

i wont go back there
it's caused nothing but loss and pain
we gain nothing
heading in that direction

i pray this is the final straw

we need fresh inour minds the understanding of the things it has taken from us - realisation of the opportunities we've lost because of it - the suffering that it has caused us.

the realisation that there is so much more out there for us - so much more to life.

we have no void to fill - we can and have ad our own happiness
we just need to get it back
find that place whare happiness comes from the green grass the shining stars - simple pleasures.

we'll make it.

A false Sence of Relief

Untied the knots
interwoven during
moonlight shadowcasts

undid woven tapestry

as i lie with you
and you under me
one stcih from you
one from me

forewords ad backwords
forewards and backwords

our new fabric
churned out
while hidden
from view

in our
dry throated forms

Stripped

Shallow, Vain
Fascade to hide
my pain

troubled thoughts
through my mind
as they stare through
my behind

despite the pain in my glare
they all, jaw drop and stare

unveiled derobed
men wishing to see
me probed

disintigrating my
self respect

shrinking my self worth
contemplating
should i give birth

all for green paper
worthless trash
meaningless bills
gone in a flash

my feelings hurt, at best

why would i think
to put myself though
this shit - was i unaware
the way i may feel
this emptiness
that i cannot heal

naked
vulnerable
worthless
i cry

Complication

CondemNation
no red on white
only blues
baby blue
caught up in a striped
startled umbilical noose
mothers should
mainline love
through
the same stream
my child
you're a wasted dream.
i've opened up to show
strangers the sacred
front door to your home
fed you nothing but
dirt from the start
inhaling clouds of
smoke - and now
i've got no hope
just a choice
a decision that has
been made
i can give you life,
and take it away
just the same
this power makes
me bleed
and weep inside out
my child
precious but unwanted
i've done you nothing but wrong
an awful existence
i'l send you off
but i'll never forget
and i'll hold the thought
of what you could have been
dear to me - forever
so long as i live hopelessly
in this condomNation
with the right to choose